Today

And the diet begins :)

Hidden Car.

One day at a time. Until my recent breakdown I thought that I was actually improving and coming to terms with my physical appearance, yet two Saturdays ago proved my theory false. I've realized that all it takes is one tear to send me into a blinding rage regarding how I feel about myself. It's hard to quit your old habits but I promised him and I'm going to keep that promise. I'm fed up of scars and people judging me. The deepest pains do not leave physical trophys. I'm going try once more to get over these superficial, yet life-altering, fears. My amazing relationship might be at stake because of my stupid insecurities.

(i LOVE him)

I can't believe I'm in love. I honestly never thought I would ever be in actual love with a guy who actually loves me back. :)

OK-ay. Wtf is wrong with me. Why do I always feel so possessive of him all of a sudden. Ugh, I've always hated those types of girls that need to be with their boyfriends all the time, but now it feels as though I'm unfortunately turning into them and it's absolutely freaking the fuck out of me. I need to learn to be a little more independent and hang out with my friends because if (knock on wood) things are over, my friends are going to hate me. I know what it's like to be alone and I refuse to go back to that parallel plane.

Live.Love.Burn.Die.

Life's motto.

Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend. However being the skeptic that I am, I always find myself thinking of the worst. In a way it can indeed be beneficial because I can mentally prepare myself if ever the case that something would happen. On the other hand, I'm always thinking of horrible situations and can never be in a truly content state. It's as if I can never let myself be happy for a long period of time. I always find a way to sabotage myself and I'm absolutely fed up. I always end up hurting someone in the end, be it myself or my amazing boyfriend.

- My teacher is a mental case -

I can't take it anymore. Why can't I just shut the fuck up, quit complaining and be happy??? No. I must constantly find something wrong and dwell on it. First its not having anyone, then I find someone amazing and I turn out to be a commitment-a-phobe. The he tells me he loves me and everything is great and I still can't fucking let myself be completely happy. My weight is a constant stupid issue and it's led me to do some incredibly stupid things in the past. GET OVER IT is what they all tell me, but it's so much easier to say than actually do..They just don't get it. At all. My boyfriend asks me if I'm happy with him and the truth is he makes me sooo happy. But am I completely happy with my life? No.